Say, I know THAT job!

I got my first real teaching experience as an Accursed Visiting Assistant Professor. It was at a woeful place to work. When I first heard, "The beatings will continue until morale improves," I burst out laughing, since it fit the institute so well.

After two years of it, I got a tenure-track job at a university across country and left, particularly since the best the institute could offer me was a one-year extension to prolong the agony. I'm now a full professor with tenure, with NO intention of going back to my old job, never, never, never, never, never!

My old institute is now advertising that my old job is open, for the fourth time in the twelve years since I left. What’s new is that the job ad makes it look like this is a tenure-track position. This is surprising, since the institute has never granted tenure to anyone.

Sure enough, the institute listed the job as a "Permanent Faculty Position," in my field’s professional society’s job register. It's in the job category:

"Faculty Positions (tenure & tenure-track)."

Unless the institute has started making tenure-track appointments, unlikely with their history of treating faculty as serfs, that listing ought to be changed to one of the job register's other categories:

"Faculty Positions (visiting & non-tenure)."

If it isn't, it may cause resentment and quite possibly a lawsuit, if applicants are led to believe that this is a tenure-track position and it isn't.

I haven't tried to contact them about this, but I doubt they'd listen to me, anyway. It amazes me how institutions seem to have memories. If only they understood the value of treating human beings in a humane manner, it might save them a lot of work in the long run. But then, there's much to be said for keeping machines properly maintained, too.

P. S. Bubba, you still haven’t told us the answer to “How do you keep an American idle?”

My graduation speech to Gregory Gradegrubber

Hello Gregory Gradegrub. Why yes, you did fail the last exam. What is it your generation says? Oh, yes, it was an epic fail. Your intense and bizarre obsession with the extra credit for the course reveals your complete lack of mathematical acumen.

No, I will not spend more time in my office to help you understand the extra credit assignment. Your inability to plan ahead is not my panicked emergency. You did this to yourself. The extra credit has been available since the first week of the class.

You need this class so you can graduate and get a job? Listen, Grubbers, I'm sorry that the American mythos has enshrined the piece of paper called a College Diploma as the Golden Job Ticket. I really am. Frankly, if I owned a company, and you were my employee, I would have fired you after the first week. You are unmotivated and disrespectful. Your grade in the class reflects your lack of dedication and comprehension.

I am absolutely sickened by the thought that you want to work in the medical field. I wouldn't trust you with the responsibility of unpacking tongue depressors, let alone taking someone's blood pressure.

The College Diploma will get you in the door, but your performance will get you fired.

College is about learning how to learn, how to approach and synthesize new information, and how to meet multiple expectations and deadlines. For students like you, Gregory, it is a four-year, dog and pony show. You party with your friends, come to my class reeking of booze, and never complete the most basic of tasks. You will get the College Diploma, because you managed to scrape the bottom of the barrel of your intellect to meet the bare minimum requirements.

You are not educated. You have a piece of paper. Congratulations.