Wednesday, July 4, 2012

An Invitation to a Coronation

Dr. Jekyll: I received the following e-mail from my local administrator.  

To: Department Faculty 
From: Local administrator 
Subject: Society membership 


Please let me know if you are a member of any professional or academic societies. Please respond with a list of all such societies to which you belong. 

Best Regards, 
Local Administrator

No further explanation was given for this request. At first, I hoped that this meant our college would start reimbursing us for membership dues. Then I realized a more likely scenario was that the Local Administrator had to file some sort of report with a College Administrator. About one week later, I received the following e-mail.

To: Faculty 
From: Bureaucratic Lackey 
Subject: New President's Coronation 

Beaker Ben (American Chemical Society), Emergency Mathematical Hologram (American Mathematical Society), Wombat of the Copier (American Society of Animal Science), Compound Cash (American Horticultural Society), Dr. Jekyll and Professor Hyde (Basket Weaving Research and Education Society) 

You have been designated to represent the academic and professional societies as listed above at the New President's coronation on 32 Craptober 2012. The schedule for the day is the following. 

9:00 - 10:00   Designated faculty check in and dress in academic regalia 
10:00 - noon   Coronation ceremony. Program consists of Administrators publicly fellating each other. 
Noon - 1:00   Reception. All designated faculty are expected to attend. 

Please let me know if you cannot attend or if you are in need of academic regalia. 

Best Regards, 
Bureaucratic Lackey

I've been snookered! I should have never answered the first e-mail in the first place. How can I get out of this? I don't want to waste half a day watching administrators fawn over each other!

Prof. Hyde: Though he has a reputation for keeping cool, my dear colleague sometimes misses the obvious. While my preferred method for getting out of this commitment would involve lots of physical violence, something simpler can be done. Just say "no," my good man. You have been given an out in the last line of Lackey's message.

Dr. Jekyll: What ever would I do without you, dear friend?

Prof. Hyde: More time reading and less time on amateur chemistry, perhaps?

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