Awright Forktwads! You wanna know what proffies do with their time? Here’s a breakdown for ya.

Recent authors have questioned the time commitments involved in the typical tenure-stream faculty position.  In the spirit of collegial inquiry, I offer the following monthly time budget based on my personal experiences in the Department of Hamster Husbandry at the University of Tuktoyaktuk. 

You’re welcome.  

Activity	Time per month
Teaching a class I’ve taught before	12 hrs
Prepping for a class I’ve taught before	6 hrs
Teaching a new course I haven’t taught before	12 hrs
Prepping for the new course I haven’t taught before	24 hrs
Attempting to get my ‘team teaching’ colleagues to deliver on their commitments to the course I (we) haven’t taught before	10 hrs
Apologizing profusely to the dean for attempting to get my colleagues to deliver on their commitments being rude and aggressive.	0.75 hrs
Doing the work my colleagues committed to, but didn’t do.	16 hrs
Swearing at Uploading course materials to BlackHole Board	6 hrs
Grading	8 hrs
Listening to complaints, about grading	8 hrs
Conducting laboratory research on hamster husbandry	24 hrs
Analyzing, writing presenting research	20 hrs
Keeping up on the literature. (or in other words, actually reading all those academic papers that everyone is so certain that nobody ever reads.)	24 hrs
Figuring out correct format to upload resulting paper to conference/journal website	2 hrs
Reading rejection letter from journal.	3 min
Filling out federally mandated paperwork to document that our hamster holding facility has better air quality than my office	4 hrs
Pleading with maintenance to fix the air supply to the hamster holding facility so it doesn’t get shut down by the federal animal care committee (and not coincidentally, so the hamsters don’t actually go tits up).	5 hrs
Going to the hardware store to obtain the necessary parts and then installing them to fix the goddamn hamster holding facility air supply myself.	5 hrs
Apologizing profusely to the head of maintenance for fixing the goddamn air supply acting outside of my authority.	0.5 hrs
Listening to obnoxious lab supply sales rep try to sell me on new and improved latex gloves	1 hr
Listening to the obnoxious textbook publisher rep try to sell me on new and improved edition of the textbook (now with cartoons!)	1 hr
Filling out requisitions for textbooks/latex gloves etc and re-imbursement forms for parts for hamster holding facility.	2 hrs
Tracking down requisitions that someone in admin misplaced	1 hr
Sitting in committee meetings to plan Happy Hamster Days High School outreach program	3 hrs
Redesigning poster advertising Happy Hamster Daze, because it didn’t use the official Tuk U. colours	1 hr
Painstakingly brokering consensus on new Hamster Husbandry curriculum to meet new accreditation requirements (now with Bloom’s verbs!)	16 hrs
Filling out paperwork to submit to registrar’s office to implement new Hamster Husbandry curriculum to meet new accreditation requirements	8 hrs
Rewriting all syllabi in the department to accommodate recent discovery of obscure formatting regulation by new administrative assistant in Registrar’s office.	6 hrs
Posting all syllabi on departmental website	1 hr
Browbeating Reminding colleagues to submit their syllabi to be posted on the departmental website	2 hrs
Apologizing profusely for reminding colleagues to submit their syllabi being un-collegial (to department chair this time)	0.25 hrs
Watching carefully brokered new Hamster Husbandry curriculum and syllabi wiped out by administrative fiat.	47.3 seconds.
Filling out annual reports carefully accounting for all of the above because admin wants to know: “What have you done for me LATELY?”	3 hrs
Grand Total:	232 hrs 33 min 47.3 sec.

Being called a lazy asshole by a jackoff with a think-tank sinecure… Just Mothra-fracking priceless!

There are some people who will just never get it.

For everything else, there’s alcohol.